Another Black Wave Comes

Imagine that you are underwater. Holding your breath. Holding it as long as you can. Your lungs start to burn. Your body is telling you to exhale. You need to swim to the surface. 

But you can't. 

You allow your lungs to burn. You dream of breathing again. You ignore the signals your body is giving you, to breathe, to swim to the surface. To exhale. You let yourself drown. 

That's how I feel right now. 

When my depression is at it's worse I imagine myself being swallowed by a big black wave. My body sinks to the bottom of the ocean and I struggle to hold my breath. I can't swim to the surface. I ignore my body as it starts to shut down, I just let it happen. I let myself slowly die and I'm completely aware of this. 

When I get really low I stop eating, I know I should eat. But I lack any appetite. I go days without eating, despite my body telling me to. I ignore the stomach rumbles, the shaky hands, the lack of energy and the lightheadedness. I know I should eat but I can't. 

There's no food at the bottom of the ocean. 

I isolate myself. Stay in my bedroom popping anti anxiety meds so I can sleep for short periods of time, because the alternative of being awake is too much of me to bear. If I'm awake all I will do is mindlessly stare into the abyss, think about anything and everything...my thoughts consume me totally and completely. I think about my future, I think about my past, I think about that one time I said something fucking ridiculous and made an ass of myself 7 YEARS AGO. I just think. Thinking too much is not the key to stability or happiness, it's the key of madness. Especially of you have thoughts like mine. 

I ask myself questions with no answers. "Why am I like this?" "Will I always be chronically and clinically depressed?" "What did I do in a past life to deserve this? I try to be a good person, why is this happening to me?" 

Over and over again I ask these questions. I read Wikipedia articles on people who have committed suicide, I listen to music created by depressed artists so I won't feel so alone for once. A favorite is "How Soon Is Now?" By The Smiths. 

What do I do though? How do I move forward from this? I don't know, and I probably never will. I've been asking the same questions for 10+ years and I'm no closer to a solution...of there is one. 

Lost wild child sleeping under DVD stars, the y'all grass is my bed and I breathe in air once again? 

The black wave hits the shore again