I once read somewhere that before someone commits suicide, once they have made the decision in their minds but haven't actually committed the act, the person feels a sort of blissed out, peaceful calm. As if they know that soon everything is going to be alright, because they have made their choice and are at peace with it.
I first thought how strange that was, how before someone takes their own life, they feel nothing but peace and happiness.
People go on with their lives in search of the same feeling, day in and day out.
Whole books have been written on the subject.
I guess the difference between the two is that one person has completely given up. And another person will keep on fighting.
I think I've come to a breakthrough.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Hotline
Tonight has been a tough night for me.
The night has never been my friend.
Insomnia. Migraines. The hollow silence that slowly drives me insane.
There's nothing to like about it.
The loneliness is the worst.
Not having anyone to talk to about it is the killer.
You feel a rush of negative emotion, practically drowning you. But you take those feelings and keep them inside your head and trapped in your soul. Which is slowly but surely, dying from the toxins of your depression.
You stare at the ceiling, tune out the TV and think. About everything.
Something stupid you said 2 weeks ago, something you forgot to say the day before, choices you could have made...but didn't. The ones you regret. The ones that haunt you.
Tonight, is one of those nights. I lay here with the worst migraine, and empty stomach and I mind full of terrible thoughts that I wish belonged to someone else.
I looks through the contacts on my phone. No one to call. No one I felt comfortable enough calling to talk to about how I feel. I don't know what that says about me. I googled the numbers for the 24 hour suicide and crisis hotline. I ALMOST made a call to one of them. But the fact that my desperation reached such a pathetic level that I would call a complete stranger to talk about confusing feelings I've been having, ones that make me feel hopeless and miserable, ones that I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY THEY EXIST...made me cry and feel even worse.
I know I should call. I know it would be best. But I just CAN'T . In my mind calling them will make me the bonafide super loser that I am and I'm just not ready to admit that to myself.
I had a thought about my sister today. We are both pretty emotionally unstable and flawed however while I tend to hurt myself she tends to hurt everyone else.
I take what I feel and bottle it up inside until I can cut, or shop, or ritualize. She just treats me like shit.
We are all so different. Yet we are all still the same.
I wish I could have my past back. I wish I could have yesterday back. I know I would do better the second time around. I know if I could solve yesterday's problems today...tomorrow would be better.
xx
The night has never been my friend.
Insomnia. Migraines. The hollow silence that slowly drives me insane.
There's nothing to like about it.
The loneliness is the worst.
Not having anyone to talk to about it is the killer.
You feel a rush of negative emotion, practically drowning you. But you take those feelings and keep them inside your head and trapped in your soul. Which is slowly but surely, dying from the toxins of your depression.
You stare at the ceiling, tune out the TV and think. About everything.
Something stupid you said 2 weeks ago, something you forgot to say the day before, choices you could have made...but didn't. The ones you regret. The ones that haunt you.
Tonight, is one of those nights. I lay here with the worst migraine, and empty stomach and I mind full of terrible thoughts that I wish belonged to someone else.
I looks through the contacts on my phone. No one to call. No one I felt comfortable enough calling to talk to about how I feel. I don't know what that says about me. I googled the numbers for the 24 hour suicide and crisis hotline. I ALMOST made a call to one of them. But the fact that my desperation reached such a pathetic level that I would call a complete stranger to talk about confusing feelings I've been having, ones that make me feel hopeless and miserable, ones that I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY THEY EXIST...made me cry and feel even worse.
I know I should call. I know it would be best. But I just CAN'T . In my mind calling them will make me the bonafide super loser that I am and I'm just not ready to admit that to myself.
I had a thought about my sister today. We are both pretty emotionally unstable and flawed however while I tend to hurt myself she tends to hurt everyone else.
I take what I feel and bottle it up inside until I can cut, or shop, or ritualize. She just treats me like shit.
We are all so different. Yet we are all still the same.
I wish I could have my past back. I wish I could have yesterday back. I know I would do better the second time around. I know if I could solve yesterday's problems today...tomorrow would be better.
xx
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Money
Broke as a fucking joke.
What's new?
Today I get a hospital bill for $470 and that's AFTER insurance.
I'm about $5,000 in debt.
I only make $8.31an hour. 30 hours a week.
You know what sucks? I don't have to be dealing with this. My Grandmother died recently and left me $10,000.
But my father is the executor of the will and he made it clear he won't give me the money. He thinks I will squander it away. I don't think I will ever get it unless I get married, go to college or something else.
Legally he needs to give me the fucking money, what I do with it is my business...but he won't. Unless I sue him for it.
He's such a fucking control freak.
I'm 22 years old and he's still trying to tell me what to do and how to spend my money.
That $5 grand didn't occur over one too many shopping sprees, it was buying shit for school, a computer, a printer, damn college textbooks.
Now I have this debt hanging over my head and I can't get it under control, despite having thousands of dollars that could save me...that I can't touch.
FUCK. THIS. SHIT.
What's new?
Today I get a hospital bill for $470 and that's AFTER insurance.
I'm about $5,000 in debt.
I only make $8.31an hour. 30 hours a week.
You know what sucks? I don't have to be dealing with this. My Grandmother died recently and left me $10,000.
But my father is the executor of the will and he made it clear he won't give me the money. He thinks I will squander it away. I don't think I will ever get it unless I get married, go to college or something else.
Legally he needs to give me the fucking money, what I do with it is my business...but he won't. Unless I sue him for it.
He's such a fucking control freak.
I'm 22 years old and he's still trying to tell me what to do and how to spend my money.
That $5 grand didn't occur over one too many shopping sprees, it was buying shit for school, a computer, a printer, damn college textbooks.
Now I have this debt hanging over my head and I can't get it under control, despite having thousands of dollars that could save me...that I can't touch.
FUCK. THIS. SHIT.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Alone
I just wanted to be alone tonight.
I don't want my shitty mood or my crappy attitude about everything to piss anyone off.
But being alone...is lonely.
Nothing to do but change the way I'm laying in bed, stare at the walls, halfway listen to the TV in a dark room.
The Internet isn't entertaining me. Nothing work shopping for online. I'm just bored.
This is what I wanted though.
It's like when you get exactly what you wanted and realize you didn't want it at all.
Fucking confused & hopeless
I don't want my shitty mood or my crappy attitude about everything to piss anyone off.
But being alone...is lonely.
Nothing to do but change the way I'm laying in bed, stare at the walls, halfway listen to the TV in a dark room.
The Internet isn't entertaining me. Nothing work shopping for online. I'm just bored.
This is what I wanted though.
It's like when you get exactly what you wanted and realize you didn't want it at all.
Fucking confused & hopeless
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Restless
Can't sleep.
Got a billion thoughts running through my head.
What remains beneath them is the loneliness I feel. I feel so alone. I am alone. I chase people away. I even told my dog to leave me alone. Do I really have the right to complain then? When my loneliness is self imposed?
It's more than a physical loneliness. It's emotional. I know these feelings that I have and the reasons that I am feeling them...nobody else could quite understand the way that I do, although I badly wish they would.
Why do I feel like this though? Was it because I was molested? Was it because my Dad didn't hug me enough or because my sister has refused to speak to me in the past 3 months? Is it because I have no friends? Because I was passed over for a promotion at my job for the second time in a row? Because I'm failing my classes or because I'm in $3,000 in debt and I don't even know how I will begin to pay it off (Especially with my terrible compulsive online shopping habit)?
Those are the usual suspects, the things that weigh my mind down and have caused me to sprout grey hairs at the tender age of 22...I'd love to have one solid reason backed with solid evidence as to why I feel like this, especially at night, when I'm waiting for my insomnia drugs to kick in...but I don't. It's just not possible to say this is the cause to my effect and frankly, it fucking sucks.
I don't know why I have this need to have a reason for everything, a reaction to this action. It feels good though, it's closure.
Got a billion thoughts running through my head.
What remains beneath them is the loneliness I feel. I feel so alone. I am alone. I chase people away. I even told my dog to leave me alone. Do I really have the right to complain then? When my loneliness is self imposed?
It's more than a physical loneliness. It's emotional. I know these feelings that I have and the reasons that I am feeling them...nobody else could quite understand the way that I do, although I badly wish they would.
Why do I feel like this though? Was it because I was molested? Was it because my Dad didn't hug me enough or because my sister has refused to speak to me in the past 3 months? Is it because I have no friends? Because I was passed over for a promotion at my job for the second time in a row? Because I'm failing my classes or because I'm in $3,000 in debt and I don't even know how I will begin to pay it off (Especially with my terrible compulsive online shopping habit)?
Those are the usual suspects, the things that weigh my mind down and have caused me to sprout grey hairs at the tender age of 22...I'd love to have one solid reason backed with solid evidence as to why I feel like this, especially at night, when I'm waiting for my insomnia drugs to kick in...but I don't. It's just not possible to say this is the cause to my effect and frankly, it fucking sucks.
I don't know why I have this need to have a reason for everything, a reaction to this action. It feels good though, it's closure.
A Slight Introduction
They say everything happens for a reason, but does it really?
Is there a reason why I find it impossible to quit smoking? Is there a reason why I find myself alone with dark thoughts all the time? Is there an actual reason why I feel this way?
Seriously, I'd like to know.
Depression is a motherfucker. I'm pretty sure everyone has their 'reasons' why they are depressed, I just can't figure out mine.
So I obsess over it. I ask myself the same question in my mind again and again and again until I am more depressed than I was before.
Mental illness is sort of funny in a not-so-funny at all kind of way. You break your arm and all your friends sign your cast. You have surgery and everyone wants to see your stitches. You have the stomach flu, tell people how it was coming out of both ends and they listen, but when your depressed...nobody wants to listen to your problems. Nobody is going to be there to hug you when you are having a mental breakdown on the bathroom floor. Nobody is going to ask you if you are ok, and really TRULY try to understand what's going on in your deep dark mind. If you put a smile on your face and say 'I'm OK' when they ask you how you have been half heartily, then they will think you are okay because they don't know any better.
I'm starting this blog because I've been dealing with this for almost 10 years now. I'm tired of telling people that I'm ok because it puts them at ease. I'm so sick of waiting to talk to my therapist about everything that is going on inside my head (and we never really get to everything, there isn't enough time in the world.) I want to write about what I'm thinking and feeling everyday of my miserable fucking life because I want people to know. Problems only stay problems if you are silent about them, maybe if I reach out to the universe, through the anonymous internet, someone, somewhere will understand. I'm just looking for that one person. I hope your out there, get ready to read.
JB
Is there a reason why I find it impossible to quit smoking? Is there a reason why I find myself alone with dark thoughts all the time? Is there an actual reason why I feel this way?
Seriously, I'd like to know.
Depression is a motherfucker. I'm pretty sure everyone has their 'reasons' why they are depressed, I just can't figure out mine.
So I obsess over it. I ask myself the same question in my mind again and again and again until I am more depressed than I was before.
Mental illness is sort of funny in a not-so-funny at all kind of way. You break your arm and all your friends sign your cast. You have surgery and everyone wants to see your stitches. You have the stomach flu, tell people how it was coming out of both ends and they listen, but when your depressed...nobody wants to listen to your problems. Nobody is going to be there to hug you when you are having a mental breakdown on the bathroom floor. Nobody is going to ask you if you are ok, and really TRULY try to understand what's going on in your deep dark mind. If you put a smile on your face and say 'I'm OK' when they ask you how you have been half heartily, then they will think you are okay because they don't know any better.
I'm starting this blog because I've been dealing with this for almost 10 years now. I'm tired of telling people that I'm ok because it puts them at ease. I'm so sick of waiting to talk to my therapist about everything that is going on inside my head (and we never really get to everything, there isn't enough time in the world.) I want to write about what I'm thinking and feeling everyday of my miserable fucking life because I want people to know. Problems only stay problems if you are silent about them, maybe if I reach out to the universe, through the anonymous internet, someone, somewhere will understand. I'm just looking for that one person. I hope your out there, get ready to read.
JB
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