Restless

Can't sleep.

Got a billion thoughts running through my head.

What remains beneath them is the loneliness I feel. I feel so alone. I am alone. I chase people away. I even told my dog to leave me alone. Do I really have the right to complain then? When my loneliness is self imposed?

It's more than a physical loneliness. It's emotional. I know these feelings that I have and the reasons that I am feeling them...nobody else could quite understand the way that I do, although I badly wish they would.

Why do I feel like this though? Was it because I was molested? Was it because my Dad didn't hug me enough or because my sister has refused to speak to me in the past 3 months? Is it because I have no friends? Because I was passed over for a promotion at my job for the second time in a row? Because I'm failing my classes or because I'm in $3,000 in debt and I don't even know how I will begin to pay it off (Especially with my terrible compulsive online shopping habit)?

Those are the usual suspects, the things that weigh my mind down and have caused me to sprout grey hairs at the tender age of 22...I'd love to have one solid reason backed with solid evidence as to why I feel like this, especially at night, when I'm waiting for my insomnia drugs to kick in...but I don't. It's just not possible to say this is the cause to my effect and frankly, it fucking sucks.

I don't know why I have this need to have a reason for everything, a reaction to this action. It feels good though, it's closure.