Hotline

Tonight has been a tough night for me.

The night has never been my friend.

Insomnia. Migraines. The hollow silence that slowly drives me insane.

There's nothing to like about it.

The loneliness is the worst.

Not having anyone to talk to about it is the killer.

You feel a rush of negative emotion, practically drowning you. But you take those feelings and keep them inside your head and trapped in your soul. Which is slowly but surely, dying from the toxins of your depression.

You stare at the ceiling, tune out the TV and think. About everything.

Something stupid you said 2 weeks ago, something you forgot to say the day before, choices you could have made...but didn't. The ones you regret. The ones that haunt you.

Tonight, is one of those nights. I lay here with the worst migraine, and empty stomach and I mind full of terrible thoughts that I wish belonged to someone else.

I looks through the contacts on my phone. No one to call. No one I felt comfortable enough calling to talk to about how I feel. I don't know what that says about me. I googled the numbers for the 24 hour suicide and crisis hotline. I ALMOST made a call to one of them. But the fact that my desperation reached such a pathetic level that I would call a complete stranger to talk about confusing feelings I've been having, ones that make me feel hopeless and miserable, ones that I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY THEY EXIST...made me cry and feel even worse.

I know I should call. I know it would be best. But I just CAN'T . In my mind calling them will make me the bonafide super loser that I am and I'm just not ready to admit that to myself.

I had a thought about my sister today. We are both pretty emotionally unstable and flawed however while I tend to hurt myself she tends to hurt everyone else.

I take what I feel and bottle it up inside until I can cut, or shop, or ritualize. She just treats me like shit.

We are all so different. Yet we are all still the same.

I wish I could have my past back. I wish I could have yesterday back. I know I would do better the second time around. I know if I could solve yesterday's problems today...tomorrow would be better.

xx