They say everything happens for a reason, but does it really?
Is there a reason why I find it impossible to quit smoking? Is there a reason why I find myself alone with dark thoughts all the time? Is there an actual reason why I feel this way?
Seriously, I'd like to know.
Depression is a motherfucker. I'm pretty sure everyone has their 'reasons' why they are depressed, I just can't figure out mine.
So I obsess over it. I ask myself the same question in my mind again and again and again until I am more depressed than I was before.
Mental illness is sort of funny in a not-so-funny at all kind of way. You break your arm and all your friends sign your cast. You have surgery and everyone wants to see your stitches. You have the stomach flu, tell people how it was coming out of both ends and they listen, but when your depressed...nobody wants to listen to your problems. Nobody is going to be there to hug you when you are having a mental breakdown on the bathroom floor. Nobody is going to ask you if you are ok, and really TRULY try to understand what's going on in your deep dark mind. If you put a smile on your face and say 'I'm OK' when they ask you how you have been half heartily, then they will think you are okay because they don't know any better.
I'm starting this blog because I've been dealing with this for almost 10 years now. I'm tired of telling people that I'm ok because it puts them at ease. I'm so sick of waiting to talk to my therapist about everything that is going on inside my head (and we never really get to everything, there isn't enough time in the world.) I want to write about what I'm thinking and feeling everyday of my miserable fucking life because I want people to know. Problems only stay problems if you are silent about them, maybe if I reach out to the universe, through the anonymous internet, someone, somewhere will understand. I'm just looking for that one person. I hope your out there, get ready to read.
JB
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