The Good Girl

I always try to be a good person, above anything.

Being a good person, a good woman, a good girlfriend, a good student, a good worker and a good daughter isn't as easy as it should be.

What must it be like to be bad?

Does it mean you just don't care anymore so you just do what you feel like doing?

Well, I just don't care anymore. I don't know what I feel like doing. I'm not going to go on a nationwide killing spree and knock over a few 7-11's on my way. I'm not going to cheat on my boyfriend (even though he's being a real asshole and I'm thinking about why I'm with him anyway).

I keep trying to think of the worst things I've ever done. They aren't all that bad. The ones I feel like I can admit freely without judgement.

So I've smoked a little weed. It doesn't keep me as relaxed as I would like to be. When I smoke alone I end up freaking out and getting really anxious. So I don't smoke that often.

I used to steal a lot when I was younger. I liked to have things. Didn't have any money to buy them. I took them. Yeah, I shouldn't have, but to be honest I never felt all that guilty about it.

I think the worse thing I ever did was when I was dating this guy when I was 19. It was my first real relationship. I thought I was in love. He was lazy, homeless and didn't have a job. He also couldn't preform sexually. I don't know why, he just couldn't. After 4 months I had it. So I broke up with him for 3 weeks. In that 3 week break I slept with my ex-boyfriend. I feel like I cheated even though we were officially broken up. Ex-boyfriend ended up breaking my heart anyway and I ran back to the lazy boyfriend because I didn't want to be alone. That's the worst thing I've ever done. The whole time we were broken up, he was still calling me, saying he loved me and would be there for me when I was ready. He was under this illusion that I was just being overly emotional and unstable. But the whole time I was screwing someone else. I don't know why I did that.

Now that I'm in another relationship, my past sins haunt me.

Me and the current boyfriend have been dating for 10 months now and I can tell you I am madly in love. I love him. I really do. He makes me feel things I didn't think I could. Emotions I didn't know I had. I love him so much, just thinking of  having to live without him makes me want to die. But I might have to. Boyfriend is originally from Pakistan. He is Muslim. It's his cultural and religious obligation to spend the rest of his life with someone who is Pakistani and Muslim like him. I think it's a load of bullshit. He loves me. Why can't he be with me?

His parents want to arrange a marriage between him...and his cousin. He's 23 now he he 'needs' to get married. To someone who his family accepts. I am not that person.

Call me crazy but I would marry him tomorrow if he asked me. I would become a Muslim, I would learn to speak Urdu. I would take care of him and he would take care of me. But thats not going to happen. He thinks that if our relationship was to go any farther than it is, his family would shun him.

I have managed to love every part of him. It's like his love for me has conditions. I love you BUT you aren't Muslim. I love you BUT you're black, you aren't even Indian, I could never introduce you to my whole family.

It hurts like hell.

Lately he has been pulling away more and more because he doesn't want it to hurt so bad when he inevitably breaks it off to marry is stupid cousin.

I know it will hurt. I don't know why I am even in this relationship. Maybe the longer we stay together the longer I have to convince him that he could be with me? Or it would just be even more painful when it comes to an end. I don't know what to do.

I'm not good enough for him.

Am I Crazy?

Maybe I'm too emotionally invested.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm hopeless.

Like a penny with a hole in it.

I am in love. That's what it is. Love.

With someone who loves me.

But because of our cultural differences, he has set up this emotional barrier. A Chinese wall. So that WHEN we break it off (not IF, but WHEN), it won't hurt as much because we both knew this point would come.

Knowing this I still went all in. I put all my emotional eggs in this emotional basket and the thought of them breaking makes me want to die.

I can't live without him. I don't want to. I will be less of a person without him because he will take half of me when he leaves.

I can't face that moment.

Prepare all you want for the storm, it doesn't mean it will rain less.

Withdrawals

Today is easily the day from Hell.

I forgot to take my medication. So I'm probably going to start crying in hysterics the moment I see a leaf fall off of a tree.

I forgot to bring my cigarettes and there was no one around to bum me one. Usually you can rely on the kindness of other smokers when you forget your pack at home, but if they aren't any around you are absolutely screwed.

My boyfriend is ignoring my pleas to take me home early. I really don't think I can spend all day here. I am hungry, emotional and going through withdrawals.

I haven't eaten in about two days. I'm not trying not to eat. I have just lost my appetite.

Blame the stress of the upcoming finals. I probably just tanked a quiz I just took in a class that i've fallen behind in. When my Grandmother died at the beginning of the semester I  missed like 3 classes and I've barely bounced back from that. I'm doing well in my Art Appreciation class, but my parents are not impressed. I went to art school for 3 years in my youth, me doing well in that class doesn't take much effort. Still I wish they would at least pretend to be proud of me when I bring home good grades. I'm not only passing that class, I'm getting a fucking A+. That's a lot better than most of the idiots in that damn class.

The other two classes I'm taking, Political Science and Women & Leisure, i'm not doing so well in. I don't know my precise grade in Poly Sci because my teacher is ancient and doesn't know how to update grades online and I'm far too shy to ask. W&L is just a fucking failure. I'm probably going to have to take it again. My teacher put all the assignments online, because I missed the first few classes because my grandmother died, I didn't know this, and she didn't tell me. So I missed about 4 assignments and 2 quizzes and that made my grade drop like the fucking NASDAQ

Any attempt that I've made to better my grade in that class has just gone horribly. Apparently all the extra credit work that I stayed up for 3 nights doing was unacceptable because she does except extra credit assignments online (which is bullshit because she does every other fucking assignment online) she doesn't accept them 'late'. "Late' meaning that if I turned it in a hour after class. However she accepted all of my OTHER annoying online assignments until MIDNIGHT. Why put different stipulations on the extra credit that I clearly fucking needed! IT'S BULLSHIT! I'M SO MAD JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. I TRIED I REALLY DID AND NOW ITS LIKE ITS FOR NOTHING.

Not only do I have to deal of the self imposed shame of failing a class I spent months taking and hours upon hours of stress fueled effort and time on, but I have to deal with my damn parents. They think that because they are paying for my education, if I fail a class that I'm wasting their money. It's not like I didn't try my hardest to do my best here. I really did. Just thinking about it makes me tear up a bit (These tears are most likely an effect of not taking my medication and being unable to control my emotions, but doesn't make it any less true). They never ask me about school, my father acts as though he has no interest in my studies, he just wants me to fucking graduate so he can say that I did and so I can get a job and stop being such a parasite on him and his finances.

I really think I need to go home as soon as possible and get in bed.

When I don't take my meds I become a mess physically and emotionally. I'm trying so hard to keep it together right now. My mind is racing, my emotions are hanging over a cliff and I feel like taking a nap in the parking lot.

Watch, if I ask my boyfriend to take me home then he will accuse me of using him for a ride.

I just need help RIGHT NOW or I'm probably going to end up hurting someone, most likely, myself.