The Good Girl

I always try to be a good person, above anything.

Being a good person, a good woman, a good girlfriend, a good student, a good worker and a good daughter isn't as easy as it should be.

What must it be like to be bad?

Does it mean you just don't care anymore so you just do what you feel like doing?

Well, I just don't care anymore. I don't know what I feel like doing. I'm not going to go on a nationwide killing spree and knock over a few 7-11's on my way. I'm not going to cheat on my boyfriend (even though he's being a real asshole and I'm thinking about why I'm with him anyway).

I keep trying to think of the worst things I've ever done. They aren't all that bad. The ones I feel like I can admit freely without judgement.

So I've smoked a little weed. It doesn't keep me as relaxed as I would like to be. When I smoke alone I end up freaking out and getting really anxious. So I don't smoke that often.

I used to steal a lot when I was younger. I liked to have things. Didn't have any money to buy them. I took them. Yeah, I shouldn't have, but to be honest I never felt all that guilty about it.

I think the worse thing I ever did was when I was dating this guy when I was 19. It was my first real relationship. I thought I was in love. He was lazy, homeless and didn't have a job. He also couldn't preform sexually. I don't know why, he just couldn't. After 4 months I had it. So I broke up with him for 3 weeks. In that 3 week break I slept with my ex-boyfriend. I feel like I cheated even though we were officially broken up. Ex-boyfriend ended up breaking my heart anyway and I ran back to the lazy boyfriend because I didn't want to be alone. That's the worst thing I've ever done. The whole time we were broken up, he was still calling me, saying he loved me and would be there for me when I was ready. He was under this illusion that I was just being overly emotional and unstable. But the whole time I was screwing someone else. I don't know why I did that.

Now that I'm in another relationship, my past sins haunt me.

Me and the current boyfriend have been dating for 10 months now and I can tell you I am madly in love. I love him. I really do. He makes me feel things I didn't think I could. Emotions I didn't know I had. I love him so much, just thinking of  having to live without him makes me want to die. But I might have to. Boyfriend is originally from Pakistan. He is Muslim. It's his cultural and religious obligation to spend the rest of his life with someone who is Pakistani and Muslim like him. I think it's a load of bullshit. He loves me. Why can't he be with me?

His parents want to arrange a marriage between him...and his cousin. He's 23 now he he 'needs' to get married. To someone who his family accepts. I am not that person.

Call me crazy but I would marry him tomorrow if he asked me. I would become a Muslim, I would learn to speak Urdu. I would take care of him and he would take care of me. But thats not going to happen. He thinks that if our relationship was to go any farther than it is, his family would shun him.

I have managed to love every part of him. It's like his love for me has conditions. I love you BUT you aren't Muslim. I love you BUT you're black, you aren't even Indian, I could never introduce you to my whole family.

It hurts like hell.

Lately he has been pulling away more and more because he doesn't want it to hurt so bad when he inevitably breaks it off to marry is stupid cousin.

I know it will hurt. I don't know why I am even in this relationship. Maybe the longer we stay together the longer I have to convince him that he could be with me? Or it would just be even more painful when it comes to an end. I don't know what to do.

I'm not good enough for him.